


Russian Roulette

by Tiz_Nightray



Series: High Stakes Game [2]
Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Akechi Goro-centric, Gen, Prostitution, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, blame shido, but i hope you guys stick around, cause there'll be references from this part in the rest of the series, eventual akeshu / shuake, goro akechi backstory anyone?, i can't believe i had to write him, overall its gonna be pretty dark, rape mention, the akeshu stuff won't be until the part after this one, this is gonna be a roller-coaster
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:40:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24914752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiz_Nightray/pseuds/Tiz_Nightray
Summary: Goro Akechi is cursed. Everything he touches, he destroys. Including his mother. However, he wasn't the only one to play a part in her demise. His immoral father needs to pay, and he'll sacrifice anything to make sure that he does – even if it means having to embrace the destruction surrounding him along the way.(A Goro Akechi backstory fic)
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Series: High Stakes Game [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1797529
Comments: 17
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a bit. I've had multiple concussions in the past year, and it felt like I couldn't write anymore. I lost all of my confidence. It's pretty hard looking at anything I write these days without comparing it to my older stuff. But it can be hard to stay away from something you once loved so goddamn much. I was so freak'n hyped for Persona 5 Royal long before it even came out. So, of course, after I beat it - I've had an urge to write about it. I guess writing is still apart of me, whether I like it or not.
> 
> I want to love writing again, so here I am, and I really hope you guys enjoy it. I'd really appreciate feedback, if you guys are willing to share!

**PART ONE** : RUSSIAN ROULETTE

 _“When you're mortal, life is nothing more than a drawn-out game of Russian Roulette. Every moment is the spin of a gun cylinder, every decision pointing the barrel at your head. Over and over, again and again, you pull the trigger, hoping it won't be your last turn in the game.”_  
\- J.M. Darhower, Reignite

CHAPTER ONE

She often seemed to lose herself in her thoughts when he spoke to her. She was tired in the day and left the house once he was already tucked into bed at night. In the evenings, she would sometimes invite men to the house. He would wonder why, as the very mention of it seemed to leave a melancholy glimmer in her dark eyes. 

Goro was sharp for a child who had recently turned seven, much to Emica's dismay. 

He had too many inquiries. Too many observations. 

It only added to her shame. 

She wanted to be a proper mother to him. She didn't want him to pick up on the fact that his very existence was a painful reminder to her. Nor did she want him to realize that he had a whore for a mother. 

She was attempting to leave the nightlife, yes, but it was up to her to feed her son and keep a roof over his head. For now, handing out resumes for a part-time position at the local 777 convenience store wasn't paying the bills. 

"Goro," her gaze didn't leave her mirror as she called to him, her hand preparing to steadily apply a crimson shade of lipstick to her mouth, "I have a friend coming over tonight, okay? So get your things together, and head over to the bathhouse." 

Goro wandered into her bedroom warily, his eyes reflecting disappointment as he squeezed at the Black Falcon Featherman toy that his mother had bought him for his recent birthday. 

It killed her when he looked at her like that. 

“Can I go to the park instead?”

Emica pressed her lips together, a small sigh escaping them before they flickered into a small smile. "Sure, sweetie. But only if there are other kids, okay?" 

Other kids meant that their parents were hopefully with them, too. 

Their neighbourhood was, quite frankly, pretty rough. 

As horrid as she felt about it, between her customers and the fact that she left him alone at home most nights (in a troubled neighbourhood, no less), Emica had trusted the young child with a pistol to keep with him in his bedroom... _just in case_. But she'd made it extremely clear that it was for emergencies, and emergencies only. 

Although she felt troubled with how aware he was for his age, it was in moments like those that Emica was thankful for Goro's maturity. 

“I promise, mommy!” he chirped, rushing over to hug his tiny being around her leg. He craned his neck back so that he could look up at her with dark eyes that possessed a sort of garnet coloured gleam to them whenever the sunlight hit them. Just like hers. 

Having applied it, Emica placed her tube of mascara down and redirected her attention to the child that had just wrapped himself around her seated leg. She reached out to him, gently sweeping a hand through his caramel strands. 

"Just make sure that you go straight to the bathhouse once the other kids go home. I'll pick you up from there in a bit." 

He nodded into her leg before releasing her and made his way back to the doorway. "Thanks, mommy, I will!" He seemed to hesitate, continuing to linger in her room's doorway. "Umm... you look very pretty, mommy." 

Again, there was a melancholic undertone in that dark gaze. The way his mouth twitched into a weak smile described all she needed to know. 

A chill ran through her, and she attempted to shake such thoughts from her head. She had to be overthinking it. He was probably just disappointed that she couldn't spend more time with him. Even so, she couldn't bring herself to force a smile that was any brighter than her son's. 

“Thanks, sweetie.” 

\- - - - - 

The summer heat of July lingered even as the sun glowed orange in its preparation to sink into the horizon and gift the awakening moon with its vast sky. 

Bathed in its light, Goro somberly made his way to the local park – hugging a plastic pail to his chest. Inside, he had his bath towel, Black Falcon figure, a juice box, and a bag of animal crackers that his mom had thrown inside in case he got hungry. 

The park was only a short way from their apartment complex, as was the bathhouse. 

It was a small park meant for the families who lived in the nearby complex. It consisted of a slide, a swing set and a sandbox. Either way, it was kind of like Goro's own little getaway. 

He was glad that it was mostly a quiet place for him. Other kids, if any were present in the first place, tended to keep to themselves. They didn't torment him the way some of the kids at school did. He was left to do what he wanted in peace. Sometimes that was flipping through the comic books that he seldomly had trouble reading. Other times, he'd just sit on the swing and lose himself in active thought. 

That was why he was moderately surprised as he approached the park, only to be greeted by a kid who was there. 

The other boy was seated in the sandbox, seeming entertained solely by the act of running his hands through its contents. At least, until Goro entered his peripheral vision, anyway. His attention snapped to him instantly, and the hands that had been amused by grains of sand now waved at him eagerly. 

Goro clasped onto his pail more tensely, as if the tighter he held onto it, the less intimidating the situation would be. Maybe. 

He was a bit of a shy kid to begin with, and the fact that he'd never made a single friend hadn't aided him on that front. 

Other kids were normally too mean for him to justify a reason for trying. They'd often say cruel things about his mother... 

He hated them. 

Though, he was too powerless to do much about it. He'd considered hitting one of them during one such confrontation but understood that he'd only be making life more difficult for his mother by doing so. She'd probably be disappointed in him. 

So all he could do was cry about it in silence instead. 

He wanted to be brave like the heroes in his favourite comic books and TV shows, but it seemed even their courage was a superpower. 

"Hi, there!" bright, silver eyes watched him, curiosity dancing in their depths. Goro had never seen such striking eyes before. They kind of scared him. "What's your name? Do you wanna play with me?" 

Goro looked him up and down tentatively. Paired with a silver gaze were wavy ebony locks, the contrast bringing to mind a placid, moonlit sky. With the night came calm, though it was followed also by unease and mystery. 

Goro didn't know what to make of him. 

He seemed friendly enough... 

Maybe?

The other boy _was_ wearing a graphic t-shirt with a cat on it, and Goro's mother had once said to him that people who loved and respected animals were usually thoughtful. Goro knew it must be true, considering his mom had promised to get them a pet once they moved into a nicer house. Even though she looked tired a lot of the time, she always tried her best. She radiated nothing but warmth. 

She was the most thoughtful of all. 

“Umm,” Goro's eyes flickered to his feet, “I like your shirt.”

The dark-haired boy beamed, practically leaping from the sandbox so that he could close the distance between them. He was so close now, Goro could feel his poor, little heart hammering to the point where it might very well explode. 

“Thanks! I like yours too! It's Featherman, right? A lot of the kids at school talk about it, but my parents say it's too violent, so they don't let me watch it.” 

"Oh..." Goro finally lifted his head to meet the dark-haired boy's face, however briefly. "That's too bad. Featherman's great. Your parents sound kinda mean." 

The other boy laughed, “Sometimes!”

While they were on the subject, Goro took a moment to peer around the park. There were no parents in sight. Why was this boy all alone? Usually, the other kids had family or even sitters who would watch over them, even if it was from a distance. 

"Where are your mom and dad anyway?" Goro found himself speaking his thoughts aloud, his fingers loosening ever so slightly from where they gripped onto his plastic pail. "Doesn't your mom get worried when you're alone?" 

The dark-haired boy shook his head, "Nah. I don't have a mom." 

Oh. 

Maybe this boy was a lot like him? 

“I've got two dads,” he continued, and Goro couldn't help but gawk. Two dads!? Goro didn't even have _one_ dad! How cool would it be to have two!? "But why's it matter? Your parents aren't here either!" 

Goro nodded, smiling timidly, “...True.” 

For the first time in his short life, it truly felt like he'd found another kid that was on a similar wavelength as him. It was a strange thought considering he'd only just met the boy, but somehow... Goro felt like they were maybe similar. 

He felt drawn to him. 

This boy didn't hassle him. He didn't speak ill of his mother despite her absence, like the other kids at school tended to do. But just because his mom wasn't always able to drop him off or pick him up from school, as their parents did, that didn't make Goro's mom irresponsible. He understood that she was always trying her very best... 

Something was invigorating about the shortage in judgment that came from this boy. Heck, maybe he even understood those same feelings. 

“I'm Goro, by the way.”

The dark-haired boy brightly followed him up, zero reluctance, "Ren!" 

“Ren-kun...” he tested the name on his tongue, his stomach twisting with excitement at the thought of having made a friend. “D-do you want to play with me?” 

Ren's reply was an eager nod of the head before he stole one of the hands that Goro used to hold his water pail. He pulled him towards the sandbox. It'd caught him by surprise at first, but the glee that consumed his entire being right then allowed him to recover quickly as he awkwardly followed the hand that boldly guided him. 

He left his pail on the ground outside of the sandbox, only removing his Featherman action figure from within before following Ren inside. He hadn't noticed before, but it seemed Ren had a companion of sorts too. A small, plush cat lay in the sand. Its body was white, the only patches of colour on either side of its head. One patch was black, and the other ginger. A scarlet collar adorned its neck, a tiny golden bell attached to the front of it. 

Ren noticed Goro checking it out, so swiftly snatched it up. He held it out to Goro, allowing him a closer look. "This is Hime-chan! Isn't she cute? She's my favourite." 

“She's _really_ cute,” Goro agreed, “Do you have any other pets?” 

"Like a real one?" Ren hugged Hime-chan to his chest even though she was covered in sand. His nose scrunched up a bit, hinting at the disappointment in his answer. "No... One of my dad's is allergic. It sucks. Like, what if I was allergic to _him_? I bet he'd still get to stay in the house. It's not fair...” 

Goro giggled, plopping down into the sand, "You guys must have so much fun together." He couldn't comprehend what it must have been like having two parents. He understood his mother's predicament as much as a seven-year-old could, but having a second parent around for when the other was absent was still a pleasant thought. Sometimes he felt pretty lonely, as much as he'd never admit such aloud... 

“For sure,” Ren answered as the two began to play together in the sand, “I like helping my dad with his flower garden. It's a lot of fun! And my other dad let me sit on his motorcycle once! It was so cool!” 

"I'd like to see your flowers!" Goro wondered if it was maybe too presumptuous of him to invite himself over to somebody else's home, but he was so delighted to be spending time with another kid that he couldn't possibly contain himself. "Do you live around here?" 

Ren didn't appear at all familiar. Goro was fairly certain he'd never seen him before... Yet despite that, it felt as if maybe they'd always been friends. 

Ren, who'd been playfully smothering Goro with Hime-chan's affections, suddenly frowned. Hime-chan froze in midair before he slowly wrapped her up tightly in his arms. 

"...I don't live in Tokyo. We're just visiting my Auntie Maya." He hesitated, burying his face into Hime-chan. "Sorry... My home is pretty far away. It's in Kyoto." He tried to smile. "It's very different here." 

Goro would be lying if he said that he wasn't sad or disappointed. 

Regardless of where he lived though, Ren would always be his first friend. Nothing, not even distance, could steal that away from him. Even if it was eventually just a memory, it was better then his life before their chance encounter. 

He reached out with the hand that lacked his Featherman figurine, patting the top of Ren's head as the darker haired boy continued to squeeze Hime-chan to his chest. Goro opened his mouth to comfort him, but that wasn't what made Ren raise his head suddenly. 

He perked straight up, the blaring call of his name travelling from the main streets, into the quieter backstreets, past the cluster of nearby apartments, all the way to the tiny park itself. 

"REN!!!" The voice held a deep tone tinged with both concern and impatience. 

Ren's eyes lit up with alarm. 

“Ren!!” A female voice that time. It sounded a bit panicky. 

“Oh no...” 

Ren stood slowly, and Goro watched him, a bit unsure. “Your family?” 

Ren swallowed thickly, “...Yeah.” 

Goro could only continue to search Ren's face as the other took a deep breath. Begrudgingly, he called out to the group that was looking for him. 

What had he done? Did they not know that he'd come to the park to play? Was he in trouble? 

Ren waved down the group, Goro realized, of three adults. 

Three very _unhappy_ looking adults... 

One such adult was a woman with long, dark hair who's lips were coloured with deep red lipstick. Goro noticed her troubled expression soften as she neared them. 

The second was a man whose wine-red strands were pulled back into a ponytail. There was an intense crinkle in his brow and his mouth was pressed into a tight, angry line.

Lastly, the third was another man. His hair was as ebony as Ren's, his dark bangs swept to the side. Tears stained his cheeks, though once his gaze met Ren's, those distressed eyes flashed with fury. 

"Ren!! How could you run off like that!?" the dark-haired man began once they'd made it over to the park. Tear tracks marked his face, and his eyes warned that he was on the verge of tears yet again as he continued to speak in an elevated tone. Ren could only rub at his arm awkwardly, staring at the ground. Goro rose to stand beside him, taking hold of the hand that fidgeted with his forearm. "Do you have any idea how worried we were about you!!? The city isn't like back home, Ren!! It's huge!! And there are so many people!!! Anything could've happened to you, and-" 

The serious-looking man placed a hand around the other's waist, rubbing at his lower back as he murmured in a smooth, calm voice, "Ren's fine now, Jun. We found him. Everything's fine." 

"But Tacchi-" he cut himself off, crossing his arms over his chest tightly. Despite that, he seemed to give in to his partner's comfort instead. 

“I'm sorry...” Ren spoke in a tiny voice, and Goro could only think to squeeze his hand to hopefully keep him from crying. “I... got bored. I didn't want to shop anymore. I wanted to play...” 

“But that doesn't mean you can just run off without saying anything!”

Tacchi(?) nodded in agreement. “Your dad's right, Ren. You can't keep doing whatever you want all the time. This is getting ridiculous.” 

The woman with the long hair finally interjected, squatting in front of the two young children so that she could bring herself to their eye-level. "Aww, c'mon, Tatsuya. Don't be so harsh. Ren's just an adventurous spirit, aren't you, Ren? I think it's good for a kid to be curious! You'll learn a lot more that way." 

"Right, positive thinking..." Jun's mouth finally flickered into what could be considered a modest smile. "But even adventurers have to tell their parents where they're going beforehand, okay?" 

Ren nodded wordlessly. 

“So,” the woman beamed, violet eyes flickering to Goro. “Who's your friend?” 

Ren finally lifted his head uncertainly, spinning around to glance at him. He gave Goro a tiny smile as if coaxing him to answer. 

“G-Goro.” 

Having so many eyes on him revived his nerves. 

"Goro-chan, huh? Cute name!" she only appeared to become brighter somehow, "I'm Maya! This is Jun, and that's Tatsuya! They're Ren's parents. I'm his Aunt." 

“Is he all alone?” Though it'd been a murmur, Tatsuya's concern didn't go unnoticed. 

Ren silently shifted his gaze between the three adults before asking both innocently and with utmost seriousness, "Can we just bring him with us? I want to take him to Kyoto!" 

Jun shook his head as Tatsuya smirked beside him, quietly chuckling something about “kidnapping” and “jail.” An “adult” joke, maybe. 

“Goro-chan has his own family, Ren,” Jun redirected his attention to Goro, kneeling next to where Maya continued to squat just in front of them. He searched Goro's timid features with a warm gaze. “Where is your family? Do you want us to stay with you until they come back?”

Jun could only pray that Ren hadn't plucked him from someplace during his antics, influencing the other child to scatter from his parents the way he'd done to them... 

Goro shook his head back and forth a little too swiftly. He wasn't allowed to go back inside the house until his mom's friend had already left, and she came to retrieve him herself. Those were the rules. 

Besides, she'd told him to meet her at the bathhouse. 

“My mom knows where I am,” he insisted, “You don't have to worry about me!” 

Jun frowned, “But-” 

“How about we take you home!?” Maya turned to Jun. 

Tatsuya nodded, standing behind them somewhat aloofly. “Yeah, it's not good for him to stay here all by himself.” 

“If we took him to Kyoto, he wouldn't be by himself!” Ren argued. 

“Thanks, Ren-kun,” Goro gave his hand another gentle squeeze, “But I can't leave my mommy. I hate making her sad.” 

Ren pressed his lips together in a pout, and Goro wondered if he was angry with him. But his features were quick to relax, and Ren instead released Goro's hand so that he could use both hands to hold Hime-chan out towards him. 

“Fine. Then I want you to take care of Hime-chan for me,” he spoke rather tenderly for a kid who'd looked like he was about to throw a fit a second ago.

“But-” Goro's eyebrows knitted together, his scarlet stare fluttering from Hime-chan and then to Ren's thoughtful smile. “You said she's your favourite...” 

Ren nodded. “That's why I want you to have her. That way, you'll never forget me. You'll remember me when we meet each other again.” 

Goro wasn't sure why, but there was something about Ren's words – the way Ren was so utterly convinced that they'd meet again... Somehow, that thought felt... _right_. 

A chill ran through him.

Then, he suddenly realized that he should do the same! He needed to give Ren something of his, too. 

However, it seemed Ren had seen right through him as Goro reached for the Black Falcon toy that sat directly below him in the sand. 

“I don't want it,” he cut Goro off before he could even wrap his fingers around it. “I think he'd be pretty sad to be with me when I'm not even allowed to watch his show.” 

“But I... I don't want you to forget me, either...” 

“I won't!” Ren assured him, “But if you really wanna, just think of something else to give me. You can give it to me when we see each other again!” 

Goro wasn't completely satisfied at that, and he still felt a wave of guilt wash over him upon gently taking Hime-chan from Ren's outstretched arms. At the same time, he couldn't keep from cuddling her to his chest. 

Hime-chan now in hand, Goro lied to the adults that his mom was waiting for him at the local bathhouse. When they offered to walk him there, he refused yet again – insisting that it was just around the corner and he better hurry. 

With a final glance, Goro placed Hime-chan into his plastic water pail and lifted it from the ground. He said one more goodbye to Ren, feeling oddly bright for someone who was just about to be separated from his first and only friend. But somehow, Ren's words rung true in his heart. 

Goro knew nothing of fate by that point, but he almost felt certain that somewhere down the road, he and Ren would inevitably cross paths yet again. 

He needed them to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess Ren's surname would be Kurosu? I know 'Akira' would have worked better, at that point (Kurusu-Kurosu + they're both Joker, c'mon Atlus must've done this on purpose!). 
> 
> But I had to stick with Ren for personal reasons that may or may not have to do with my very own baby boy. Who has fur btw. So tbh, even though it makes NO sense whatsoever, I might just keep him as Ren Amamiya. I don't know why he doesn't have either Tatsuya or Jun's surname, but we're just gonna roll with it.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

The first time he ever asked about his father, her hand lashed out so sharply and swiftly that it felt like a whip had seared its way across the skin of his burning cheek. He stumbled backwards, fearfully searching his mother's contorted features as tears gushed from her shaken gaze. Of course, with the realization of what she had done crashing into her, she'd crumbled into a sobbing mess, wrapping him up tightly into her arms.

That was when Goro had been five years old.

Since then, he knew better than to mention anything remotely related to his absent father. That was how he would remain: simply absent.

In the coming years, he realized that there was more to it than just that.

But he knew better than to urge his mom, of course.

Instead, he picked up on the truth through his innocent observations. For example, his mother would abruptly switch the TV off, like clockwork, exclusively when a certain political figure was displayed or even just briefly mentioned. He'd also witnessed her shred apart a magazine concerning the National Diet as if she'd suddenly been possessed by a demon.

Goro wasn't sure he'd ever seen her so resentful.

And it continuously involved the same man.

Maybe Goro was too inquisitive for his own good. He'd heard adults, including his mother, state that he was quite astute... That he was too intuitive for a child his age.

He could recognize the hurt that it caused his mother... but it wasn't as if he was intending to make her feel that way. It was simply how he was. He couldn't alter it, even though he wanted to. He'd do anything if it saved his mom from drowning in her humiliation every time he met her troubled, dark eyes.

When Goro turned nine, he was hopeful that things would change for the better.

Emica abandoned her job at the nightclub. She no longer brought strangers into their home. She'd been hired by the local convenience store, working part-time hours – often the mornings when Goro was at school.

He believed that maybe it'd make her more content.

It made _him_ happier.

Goro had extra opportunities to spend time with his mom. She took the time to play with him, often pretending 'hero' with him around the house. They watched movies together, most notably Star Wars. Even watching Featherman together after he got home from school had become a tradition between them.

However, she wasn't happy at all.

Goro came to realize that all too well one day after school.

He proceeded to swing the door to their apartment open eagerly, except that it didn't budge, as it was still locked. Which meant that his mom hadn't come home from work yet. Goro had his own key. He'd had his key for as long as he could remember. But even so, instead of digging it out, he turned around and headed back down the elevator to the first floor.

Instead of waiting for her, he thought that maybe it would be nice to surprise her.

How could he possibly have known that it would be one of the most heartbreaking choices of his life?

Clasping onto the straps of his backpack, Goro made his way to the 777 convenience store. It was barely a 5-minute walk from their apartment. All he had to do was turn out onto the main street, and it was a mere few stores down from there.

When he did emerge onto the livelier main street, Goro's gaze instantly locked onto the figure of his mother. She stood outside of the convenience store with another woman, seeming to be conversing with her.

Goro realized it wasn't anything as uncomplicated as pleasantries.

Emica had tears running down her face, and at the sight, Goro's blood seemed to freeze in his veins.

"Please!" she cried, "If you can please just spare any afternoon shifts! I... I can't stand being around him this much!"

The sounds that slipped from her mouth didn't feel real.

It was as if time had stopped.

Yet somehow, her voice still reached him.

"Of course I love him, he's my son!" her face fell into her hands, "But... When I'm with him, I... I can't stop thinking about his father! That _fucking_ bastard... He made me..." she paused, "He left me with a constant reminder in the form of his illegitimate child! How is that even fair? I don't know how much more I can take of this!"

Goro couldn't breathe.

He disappeared into the backstreets once again, afraid that his mother might take notice of him otherwise. He didn't know why he cared when he was already struggling just to suck in a single breath. He supposed because even then, he didn't want to hurt her.

Though how could he protect her when it was his very own existence that induced such pain?

He didn't know what to do. Didn't know what to think.

His heart and mind raced, and his eyes burned as tears spilled from them. Shuddering uncontrollably, all he could do was try to manage a breath through his anguished sobs.

\- - - - - 

When he was ten, things hardly got better.

They only got worse.

Emica did end up working the odd afternoon shift, and Goro pretended that he didn't know the true reason why.

Heck, he tried not to think about it altogether.

Though that was a challenging act. Especially when he'd wake in the morning, the very same thoughts flooding his mind before he could even properly wake up.

Dark, melancholy eyes tiredly fluttered open.

Without shifting from where he lay on his side, safe within his bed, Goro squeezed Hime-chan more tightly to his chest. He wondered if maybe he actually should have left his mother and gone to Kyoto with Ren after all. Would she have allowed it? Well, wouldn't she have been happier without him, anyway? So why not...

"It's time to wake up, sweetie!"

Emica's eyes suddenly met his tired ones as she leaned sideways, unchaining him from his prior thoughts.

"M-mom?"

"Hurry for breakfast! I want you to have time to sit and eat with me before school!"

Goro blinked at her.

Was... she trying to cheer him up?

Despite Goro's attempt to hide it from her, did Emica sense that something had been off?

She never made him breakfast... His go-to was always cereal. It was an easy choice in the mornings, and that way, back when his mom worked at the nightclub, she could sleep in without worrying about him being fed.

But it seemed she really had cooked breakfast. The scrumptious scent invaded his senses as he climbed from his bed. He placed Hime-chan neatly on the top of his bedside dresser, and then followed his mom out into the hallway.

"I made pancakes!"

Emica motioned towards their small dining table, a plate stacked with pancakes already awaiting each of them. There were also various topping options: like a bowl of sliced up fruit, a container full of sugar, a jar of strawberry jam, as well as a large bottle of maple syrup.

It was unlike anything his mom had ever done before.

Goro could only stare at the appealing display before his mother coaxed him to sit down. "Come on, they're not gonna eat themselves!"

He broke free of his stupor, an unsure smile creeping its way onto his face. It was still a smile, nonetheless- the first time he hadn't forced a fake one for her sake in quite a while.

Regardless of her reasons, Goro was glad to see her seeming so radiant. Perhaps this was a glimpse of hope that hinted at life getting better from then on.

Joining her at the table, Goro eyed the many choices before him. It wasn't as if he was overly familiar with how some of the combinations would taste. Emica had very rarely been able to take Goro to dine outside of their own home. It was difficult enough as it was without adding any extra, unnecessary expenses. Even so, as he took in the array of pancakes (and their toppings) before him, he could vividly remember the last time she'd taken him out one summer vacation.

His mom didn't have the money nor the precious time that year to make Goro's birthday as special as she would have liked it to be. Eventually though, that very same summer, she'd treated him to pancakes at a charming, little diner a few blocks from their complex. It would hopefully make up for the fact that she'd worked on his birthday over a month ago. At the time, options had been limited. Between the toy ray gun and the small red velvet cake she'd bought him for the actual day, Emica had been hard-pressed for money.

More or less, pancakes were almost a delicacy to the boy.

Back at the diner, he was pretty sure he'd had his pancakes with fruit and sugar.

So this time, he reached for the bottle of sickly sweet syrup.

"Good choice," Emica grinned as she began to spread a glob of strawberry jam on her pancakes.

Goro drowned his.

"Sweetie..." her smile faltered a little bit, "That's _a lot_ of sugar."

He'd stuffed a mouthful of part-pancake mostly-syrup between his lips before she'd finished her sentence. She watched him, unsure, awaiting his reaction. Honestly, she didn't think that _she_ could've enjoyed such a thick pool of syrup. Plus, Goro had never even tried it before...

She could almost feel her teeth aching.

"Thanks, mom!" he chirped, "It's so good!"

Goro couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so utterly appeased.

He couldn't say exactly how reliable his memory from those years ago at the diner were, but he was fairly certain that his mom's pancakes tasted far superior. Warm, fluffy, and soggy from syrup, they seemed to melt in his mouth. All the while, his mother watched him fondly from the other side of the table, dark eyes filled with warmth.

Maybe she _did_ love him. Maybe she'd only been having a bad day back then.

"Now go on," Emica gestured towards the boy's bedroom shortly after he was all finished with his breakfast, "You need to get ready for school."

Even as he hurried off towards the bathroom so that he could brush his teeth and wash his face, Goro couldn't keep from thinking that the entire morning felt so surreal. But a good sort of surreal.

No way was it just a dream. He _needed_ it to be real.

It wasn't as if he was hoping for his mom to make pancakes for him every morning from then on. No, he was just glad that the notion might indicate that she didn't see him as just a 'nuisance.' Or more specifically: an 'illegitimate child' who she'd been dumped with.

At the time, he hadn't entirely understood what that meant, though it still stung. All Goro knew was that he was angry at his father for possibly harming her and that he played a part in that hurt as well.

In both desperation and a mild sense of curiosity, Goro had tried to find the word in his dictionary that very same day he'd overheard his mom at 777. It took him a bit of time, as he wasn't certain how to spell the word he'd been called. But that was alright. It had given him an excuse to lock himself away in his room once his mom had returned home.

Until finally, he found it:

_ILLEGITIMATE_

_il-i-jit-uh-mit_

_born of parents who are not married to each other:_

_an illegitimate child._

_not authorized by the law; not in accordance with accepted standards or rules._

There was more, but it didn't make much sense to him...

Maybe it wasn't important.

All he needed to grasp was that he was a problem. Was that why he had no friends? Or why their parents, his teachers, and even their neighbours would cast stigma upon his mom?

Because he didn't follow rules or standards, thus not fit into the social norm?

Because he didn't have parents who were married like all the other kids?

It was stupid.

But so long as his mom didn't hate him, nor endure pain due to his existence, then he could get through it. He'd be okay.

With that new frame of mind, Goro – having donned his school uniform- returned to the kitchen.

He could hear the clinking of plates as he turned into the kitchen, taking in the figure of his mother as she washed the dishes. "All ready?" she craned her head around to look at him, her gaze lingering on him as the realization of just how quickly he'd grown flooded her thoughts.

Goro nodded, his backpack in hand. All he needed was to collect his lunch from the fridge.

Withdrawing from the sink, Emica ventured into the refrigerator and handed it over to him.

"Will I see you after school?" Goro beamed up at her hopefully after tucking his lunch into his backpack, "Do you work today?"

Without answering his question, Emica suddenly dropped down onto her knees and scooped him up into her arms. She held him tight, stroking the ends of his hair that met at the nape of his neck.

Recovering from the astonishment generated by the sudden action, Goro slowly wrapped his own smaller arms around her in return. He snuggled into her touch, closing his eyes and relaxing in the blanket of security that only a mother could provide.

He only allowed them to flutter open when his mom's voice eventually broke the brief silence between them. Her words dripped with raw emotion, and her tone was hinged with traces of desperation.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Hm?" Goro retreated just enough so that he could search his mother's face. Her smile was a fond one, but it quivered slightly. Her dark eyes threatened tears.

He wanted to respond instantly – to reassure her that of course he knew. He knew she loved him. Or, at least, he hoped she mostly did. He loved her too, and nothing could change that.

Despite that, he ended up hesitating.

He couldn't keep from questioning where this was all coming from. Was she upset because she had known all along that he'd overheard her conversation outside of her workplace?

"Goro." Emica continued before the boy could sort out his feelings. "Mommy tried... She really did. But no matter what I do, nothing ever gets better. But _you_ , Goro," she placed a finger over his heart, jabbing him with it, " _You_ have the power to escape from this life. I know that you'll do such great things. You're such a sweet boy, and so, _so_ smart! I'm so proud of you!"

Goro buried himself back into her chest as she choked up. He didn't know if it was that very sound, or if it was due to her prior words, but his own eyes burned. Tears spilled from them, rolling across his cheeks as he sobbed and crumbled into her.

"I l-love you t-t-too, mom..."

He wanted her to know that.

So badly.

Except her words hadn't been influenced through Goro's presence at the convenience store like the boy believed.

They were a warning sign.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know most people seem to think that Akechi was far younger than 10 when his mom killed herself (and they're probably right), but I like to think that his mom tried so, so hard to live for him before realizing that she couldn't take it anymore. ;A;


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to thank everybody who's been reading, it means a lot. Thanks for the comments, too! I love hearing all of your thoughts. I'd love to hear more, so if you feel up for it, I'd really appreciate it. Especially cause I have to go to the hospital tomorrow, and I'm seriously dreading it. It'd really cheer me up. Thanks a bunch~

CHAPTER THREE 

He couldn't explain why, but even before his hand twisted the doorknob open, Goro knew that something was wrong. 

He tentatively poked his head inside the doorway. Considering it was unlocked, his mom must have been at home. Even so, the entirety of their apartment was deafeningly still and silent. 

“Mom?” 

Goro was almost startled by the tone of his voice. It sounded so small and scared. It almost didn't seem like it should be coming from him at all. For what reason did he feel so uneasy? 

He couldn't comprehend why his heart had slowed so significantly in his chest. Or why the blood in his veins suddenly felt like ice water. He hadn't even realized that he was holding his breath as he warily crept inside. 

Goro undoubtedly should have been able to tell himself that perhaps his mom was at work. She'd only forgotten to lock the door. 

No.

The lights were still on. 

She'd usually switch them off when no one was home... 

Maybe she'd overlooked that too? 

Only the house looked remarkably tidy and orderly. She _must_ have been at home. 

After so much cleaning was she having a nap? 

No matter what he told himself, he couldn't shake free from the incomprehensible dread that had firmly shackled itself to his very soul. 

“Mom?” 

He called for her a second time, that time a little louder, more urgent. 

Even so, the only noise that followed was his small footsteps as he moved from the doorway to the kitchen in what felt like slow motion. He was entirely unaware that he hadn't clicked the door completely shut. 

“Mom, I'm home.” 

The boy glanced down the hallway that led to their bedrooms. He was caught in a sort of daze as he shrugged off his backpack and let it drop to the floor before wandering towards it. He noticed that the lights from their rooms weren't turned on. Light seeped out from the bathroom's cracked door, however, and Goro found himself drawn to it – his heart in his throat the entire while. 

"...Mom?" he called one final time in what was barely even a squeak. 

Peering into the bathroom, he was struck by exactly what it was that he'd been afraid of. 

Large, wild eyes darted around the enclosed space. 

The first thing to draw in his frantic gaze was the striking red. 

Splatters of red, bright against the bathroom floor. Red smeared against the edge of the bathtub. Red plastered on _her_. 

Red _everywhere_. 

If there'd been any hope that she was still alive, Goro would have cried out to her. He would've run to her. 

But there were no longer any traces of the life that she'd had the last time he'd seen her. 

She may have been wearing the same floral dress that she'd had on during breakfast that morning, but that was the only similarity. 

Laying in the bathtub, motionless, any colour had been drained from her once-glowing complexion. The only hint of colour remaining was that from the lifeblood that soaked her. It'd stained her clothes. Her arms. Her wrists... 

It was something not even Goro's deepest, darkest nightmares could have conjured...

How could a ten-year-old even picture something so horrible, let alone have it thrust before them? 

The heartache was so painful that it choked him. 

He couldn't breathe, but god did he scream. 

All of the strength in his legs faded from him. 

He fell to the floor with a thud, numb to the impact. 

His stomach was in knots. He felt so goddamn sick. 

It wasn't real... 

It couldn't be real. 

How was it real when they'd had such a nice breakfast together that very morning!? His mom had been tenderly smiling from across the table, watching him with fond eyes. They'd been happy. _He'd_ been happy... 

Had someone done this to her!? 

Had she done it to herself!? 

Was all of it his fault???

The sadness that she'd carried with her hadn't ever been a secret... 

But even so... 

Had she been that desperate to get away from him? 

Goro didn't know how long he remained buried against the bathroom floor in a mix of tears and saliva, thoughts of those kind racing through his crippled mind. 

His throat raw and his eyes puffy, Goro lifted his head with a whimper. That whimper turned into a broken sob as he crawled his way over the floor, dragging himself closer to her. 

“M-m-mommy-” 

His voice cracked at even just a brief glimpse of her, and he clenched his jaw as the tears returned. 

Pushing his spine up against the bathtub, Goro could only manage to draw his knees to his aching chest. He buried his head and curled up into himself, lacking the will for anything beyond that. 

It all hurt so much. 

The pain wouldn't stop. 

Was this the agony that she hadn't been able to escape from? Was this how she'd felt for all those years? 

If so, he couldn't blame her for leaving him.

It truly was unbearable. 

\- - - - - 

How much time had passed?

Mere minutes? 

Hours?

Days?

When a pair of hands gently shook him, attempting to guide him back into a grisly reality, he couldn't say just how long he'd been lost in himself. 

All he could believe was that all of those frightening memories that still had him trembling, were nothing more than a sickening nightmare. 

His mother was shaking him awake right then. 

She'd stroke a hand through his hair and hush him with promises that everything was going to be okay. 

Except for when he weakly raised his head, it wasn't the tender yet sad eyes of his mother that met his. 

They were the worried eyes of a stranger. 

"Oh god, c'mon honey, let's get you out of here..." 

The woman didn't wait for acknowledgment – not that she would have received any. She scooped his weak body up into her arms, hastily removing him from the nightmarish scene that their bathroom had become. 

She was trying not to panic, stumbling into the kitchen before setting him down on a chair. She scurried frantically around the apartment, eventually returning to him with a blanket and a glass of water in hand. 

After setting the glass on the table in front of him, she draped him in the blanket before promising that she'd be right back. 

Goro didn't have the energy to reply. He didn't even really care. He just wanted his mom back. He barely even listened as the mystery woman snatched the telephone from the kitchen counter, quite breathless as she spoke into it. 

He could only clench onto the blanket that surrounded him, tightening its hold around him. Not that it was particularly comforting... 

“You hanging in there, kiddo?” 

As promised, she returned – kneeling next to his chair. 

His focus wavered, but desolate eyes tried to concentrate on the owner of the soft voice. She was so close, so either way, it wasn't difficult to make out the dark strands of hair that framed her face. Or the chocolate brown eyes that watched over him with a certain degree of kindness. She was smiling weakly for his sake, to comfort him maybe. Despite having forced such an expression, her smile was still quite dazzling. Goro would have found it contagious if it wasn't for the fact that his mother was dead. 

“You're Goro, right?” The fact that she knew him didn't even pique his interest. Why should it matter? This lady could be there to rob them or worse, and he still wouldn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. “I'm Nariko Sakamoto. I worked with your mommy at 777.” 

Nariko swallowed thickly. She was trying to be strong for the little guy, but the horror of the situation made her feel dizzy. “I got concerned when your mom didn't show up for work these past few days. God, am I glad I came to check on her...” 

She wanted to yank him into an immense hug. If only there was anything she could do to give the child even the faintest shred of comfort. But what the hell did you tell a kid who'd been the first to discover the corpse of his suicidal mother? 

Nariko had a young boy too – around the same age as Goro, actually. 

God, she wouldn't have wished for anybody to be exposed to such horrors, notably any child. It hit too close to home, making it all the easier for her to relate to an unrelatable situation. Her own son had suffered adversity of his own. They _both_ had. But how would she have soothed him in this situation? 

"Oh, sweetheart," Nariko was scared that a hug might be too much for the boy when he was clearly in a state of absolute shock. So instead, she slowly went to touch his knee – just to let him know that he wasn't alone, at least. "Everything will be okay... This feeling won't last forever." 

Nariko hardly convinced _herself_ , even... 

She felt so helpless. 

She could only hope that her mere presence was enough to keep him moderately calm. 

Thankfully, the paramedics didn't take long to arrive. 

Nariko shot to her feet at their appearance, desperately motioning at the young boy who proceeded to sit lifelessly at the kitchen table. He was trapped in a trance. Goro couldn't shake the image of his mother, limp and broken in the bathtub. 

In comparison, the conversation Nariko had with the paramedics seemed so far away. 

Everything did...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dreaded writing this chapter so much...


End file.
